Lovely Bones

Happy Easter and happy spring!

It is a new season. Time for planting, producing, starting new things. The spring equinox was last week--the first day of the astrological year and supposedly the best time of year to start new projects. I started something new: the "Yes, Patti, You CAN Change Your Life!" project.

A few years ago, I took time off of work to reassess my life. I looked at my job, my life, my interests, and my time. I was not in a healthy place. I needed time to curl up into myself and nurture what was trapped deep inside. I needed the creative bud that was withering deep inside to grow and bloom. I had to find myself.

Oh, that sounds so cliché... "find myself"... as if I had gotten thrown out with the trash or something. In some ways, I mentally had to wade through a lot of garbage to "find myself." In other ways, I had to define who I was. However I look at it, that period of time was needed to figure out what the heck I was doing with my life. Was I doing the kind of work that I dreamed about? Were my days well spent? Was this life something I would be happy to look back on?

Out of that deep and dark period of reflection came my decision to go back to school--for a subject that I loved, not study that would simply better my career. Two years later, as graduation nears, I wonder what in my life has really changed.

I write better than ever. I write more than I used to. I know more than I did two years ago. (Gee, my advisors will be relieved to hear that.) But I still go to the same job. I still fight the same battles. I still get the same stagnant pay.

On Easter, I got the book Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold. Wow, great story. It was moving, engrossing. I won't spoil the story for those of you who haven't read it. It was a well-crafted mystery--funny to say that, since we know on page one what happens and who does it. But the desire for closure for Susie, for some glimmer of hope and happiness, carries the reader through the book.

In some ways, I feel like this about my life. I already know what is happening... the 'what happened' and 'who did it' parts of my life are already solved. I'm a wife, a mother, a nurse, a writer ... those things are done. My family is complete and my path is pretty well defined at this point. I'm not saying those things can't change--I know too keenly that nothing can be taken for granted. But that glimmer of hope and happiness, that desire for closure and a happy ending, is what moves me along through the story of my life. It's what led me to Vermont College two years ago.

I've met some wonderful people at school, both staff and students. I've realized loads of interesting and strange things about myself. Mostly, I realize that I want change. So, in this season of new life and growth, that's what I'm working on. I can do it! I'm thinking more positive thoughts, letting go of my past, and opening my mind to new beginnings. I am trying new things. I am not expecting different results when I'm doing the same old things. Life doesn't work that way.

Soon I'll be finishing something I started two years ago, but it really is just a start for me. I can change my path in life. I just have to try heading in a different direction--one page, one word at a time.

-PLB

That way... Madness... Lies

I look back at my blog posts in the last 13 months. I've written about my life, my kids, my writing, and my time. I don't get into politics. My political views are different from those of most of my family, many of my coworkers, and who knows how many of my friends. I don't discuss religion with them either--people just don't like to hear something different from what they believe. God bless them.

But tonight, I cannot soothe the anger and outrage that not one but TWO prominent women in politics have caused inside me. So, I'm blogging about it.

Let's start with this: I support Barack Obama. I want him to win. I keep up with the primaries and caucuses. I'm familiar with positions on issues.

I gave Hillary a fair chance to sway me. I always thought that if she won the nomination I would vote for her, simply to cancel out my father's vote against her. I wanted a Democrat to win--ANY Democrat had to be better than the nonsense we've put up with for the last 8 years. I'm sick of the war, sick of the B.S. that is happening in the White House, sick of Bush. I am so tired of people being afraid of other people in our country simply because they don't speak English. I'm tired of the ranting about others who simply don't feel it necessary to have "IN GOD WE TRUST" printed on every U.S. minted coin or bill. I'm tired of the negativity toward gays and the "Holier-Than-Thou" attitude from people who CLAIM to be good Christians. (This is what MY Christian upbringing taught me: "Judge not, and ye shall not be judged: condemn not, and ye shall not be condemned, forgive, and ye shall be forgiven."
~Luke 6:37~)

I don't rant about this anywhere. I don't talk about it. I don't forward those judgmental, hypocritical, asinine emails that promote negativity among Americans. That's not what we need. I ignore them and delete them. Know if you send me one, it will get deleted. If you send me more than one, you're heading for my spam filter. And if you keep sending them, I will eventually tell you to stop. I've confronted friends who felt it necessary to spew these kinds of negative attitudes across the internet. Some of them are still my friends--the ones who can keep their political opinions to themselves or who can discuss it without cutting down whole races of people.

So, what has me infuriated at the moment?

Geraldine Ferraro. Her racist remarks over decades of politics. She commented that the only reason she was given the vice-presidential nomination all those years ago was because she was a woman. Huh. It sure as hell wasn't because she was qualified for the job or the best person for the job! To suggest that Obama is where he is right now is because of LUCK? He's luckier than Jesse Jackson or Al Sharpton? Both of them ran for the nomination... LUCK.

Maybe Obama is lucky. He's lucky to have been given by God a sound mind, a clear vision, and a persuasive voice. Wish I could be so lucky. Geraldine Ferraro is just lucky that someone doesn't pummel her at this point.

And then there's Hill, good old Hill. "Regrettable." Her comment about Ferraro. What?!? Ok, here's REGRET for you, Hillary: I regret that you don't have the spine to stand up and speak up for a whole race of people who have historically been disadvantaged in this country. I regret that you and Ms. Ferraro are representing the women of the Democratic party because you're doing an awful job right now. I regret that I won't be able to vote for you in the fall if you DO get the nomination because I have seen your true face--mean-spirited, selfish, and low.

Keith Olbermann spoke my heart tonight in his special comment. (Read it here: http://thenewshole.msnbc.msn.com/archive/2008/03/12/762678.aspx )
I'm one of those retching Democrats that he speaks of.

I won't be voting in November if Hillary is our nominee. I have no faith in her. I have no desire to spend four more years under the Republican regime. I simply won't vote. I'll be moving to Canada instead.

Who Do You Write For?

I know, that technically should read, "For whom do you write?" I've been writing for pleasure for many years, just for me, myself, and my critique group. For the last two years I've have an advisor added to that list, and fellow students, and anyone I swap work with. Grammar is obviously not at the top of my priority list. They're used to it by this point, I think.

I turned 41 yesterday and took the afternoon off to enjoy myself, relax, and get some writing done. I thought, "Oh, a few hours to spare! I could write a couple chapters!" Ha, silly me. Crabby kids, worrisome work cases, and afternoon sleepiness sapped me of all mental energy. A couple chapters? No. A scene? No. A blog entry? Not even. It was a Solitaire type of day. I haven't been writing much at all lately, mostly because I've been stuck. Kids and busy work weeks aside--I'm working on two books that I'm simply stuck in, somewhere near the middle. So my writing non-production is always blamed on writer's block, a stuck story, something other than life going on around me.

Now, my blog, that's another story. 'Why haven't you been blogging, Patti?' I asked myself, when I saw that over two months have gone by since my last entry. I tried to summon up the same excuses as I use for my novels, but I realized that those excuses just don't hold up when it comes to a blog. Blogs can be quick and easy. They can be simple, silly, or even scandalous (except that there's no scandal going on in my life). So why haven't I been blogging? I'm sure you're all dying to know.

The bottom line is this: I don't know who I'm blogging for. Me? I get enough of my own thoughts daily. I don't need or desire to see them in TimesNewRoman size 12 font on the world-wide-web. It's not like I have a following--generally, you have to have a book PUBLISHED before you get fans. Friends? Romans? Countrymen? Who is out there reading this?

Writing a book is like that too. You often don't know who you're writing for. Who is your audience? You need to have an idea of what age group you're targeting when you start a story, for language and content and complexity. But do you know those kids? How do you know you're going to be able to connect with them?

My friends' kids are vastly different my own, and all of our kids are leagues away from the kids I work with. I doubt I could write a story to suit all of them. But I can probably write a story to please some of them, if I try. If I try... if I try... try!

Try, Patti. You can't please any of your audience if you don't write a word. Here comes the devil on my shoulder: how are you going to write if you can't figure out your story? Don't you have to know what's going on in the story before you can actually write it? Yeah, it helps. But it figuring out the story isn't the only thing you can do to get started writing again. One trick is to call your advisor and brain storm for a couple hours. (Thanks, Margaret!) Another trick is just to sit down and write--anything. A short story, a character sketch, a new scene, a BLOG... write something! Anything! Don't worry about who you're writing for, or what's going on in the story. Write for nobody. Write for yourself. If you can't even do that, why call yourself a writer?

So, here I am, blogging again. I can't make any resolutions to blog weekly because I hope to be spending more time writing my books that I'm working on. But since I have this blog, I might as well write in it.

It's what writers do.

-PLB