Coming Around to Me

It's 2:30 in the morning. What the heck am I doing blogging at 2:30 AM?

Well, it's only 11:30 PM on the West Coast, where my advisor lives. (She's Julie Larios and she's wonderful!) My packet is due by midnight her time, and it's zooming to cyberspace to her right now. Yippeee!

I'm not sitting here happy as a clam because I sent in my packet a half hour before its due time. I'm jubilant because my critical thesis is tucked away nicely in that packet. Wa-hoo! It's complete, not done but complete, and it's turned in. It is a great feeling to have it sent off, with a little space to breathe. I'm close to the end. Julie could turn around and tell me in a day or two that I have to re-write the whole damned thing. That's ok. That is o. k. I have two days before I have to start that. As long as she doesn't take nine days to tell me everything that's wrong with it, I'll be ok with that.

I am excited! Free time... ah, time to be creative again. Laura and I, with a little help from Susie, created a story together tonight. We plotted it out. It was great--about an empowered princess. I'm going to write it for them, too. I can start tomorrow.

My critical thesis was about empowered girls in fantasy fiction. It sparked so many thoughts about girls, and people's perceptions of girls, and girls perceptions of themselves. It sparked many memories, both good and bad. I remember all too well being a 12 1/2 year old, suffering from the worst nickname in the history of all nicknames. So awful I can't repeat it here... it obviously traumatized me. Seventh grade was the worst year in my social life. I was mocked and ridiculed, and it just stunk. I remember, too, being a sophomore in high school, with my new contacts, new hairdo, and no more braces. All sorts of new attention and self-confidence. It was a hard period, too. I wasn't used to it. The three years between those two periods? Awful. Just awful. Self-defining, miserable, and plain awful.

All of this critical thinking makes me want to go and shout out to these girls. I want to tell them to buck up, hang in there, it will get better. I wish I could give them a little crystal ball to look at themselves in the future, and know it will be ok. I have so many things to say to these girls! I'll start with Laura. I can empower girls, one at a time, right? (Susie, you're next.)

I'm a happy camper right now. I wish I could preserve this feeling. I'm forty years old and I wish I could savor this feeling for another forty years. Except for a stupid knee accident that I had last week, that left me sitting on my butt and hobbling like a granny all week, I'm feeling good. I'm coming around to my time. I'm opening a door and I'm moving forward. I'm coming around to me!

Now, if I could bottle this feeling and send it to each of you for your birthday. That will be my next brilliant discovery. : )

-PB

Saying No, Saying Yes

First, I'd just like to acknowledge September 11th, 2001. It was a tragic day in American history. I wish all of you peace, and I hope that peace can spread through every nation in our beautiful world.

September 11th makes me think about our connections in this world. I had a recent revelation about connections that I'd like to share.

I was a 'Yes'-er for many years. I 'yes'-ed everyone who asked me to do something. I 'yes'-ed the PTO. I 'yes'-ed class mothering, I 'yes'-ed soccer team mom-ing, and I 'yes'-ed when we were asked to greet at church. I had time to give and good reasons to give it.

I gave my time to everyone and anyone. I asked a question in an online gaming forum and ended up as an assistant administrator there. (Hello to all my SimPilot flight simulator friends!) I made friends all over the world through that forum, and I gave countless hours of my time. Once, Trev Morson, Rudy Stubbs and I did a marathon anniversary 'celebration' and stayed in an online chat room for twenty-four hours consecutively. Wow! I don't think I could even stay in a chat room for twenty-four minutes consecutively at this point in my life.

Slowly but surely, I burnt out. I realized that my time wasn't my own. I no longer enjoyed reading flight simulator messages. I didn't even fly a simulated plane.

PTO became my priority. I ended up as Vice Pres for years. (I even had a brief stint as president, but it was thankfully a short-lived stint. VP-ing was good enough for me.) My PTO friends and I met twice monthly, or more if we felt like being creative and painting. We put together gala auctions and raised, over the span of five years, hundred of thousands of dollars. (We were good!) It was a lot of work, a lot of time, and a lot of fun.

Eventually, the time and work amounts grew to the point that none of us were having fun any more. Small town politics killed our spirits. We fizzled out, one by one.

I still 'yes'-ed every other cause, though. I filled old PTO time with soccer ref assigning. Creative writing grew to a more serious hobby. A fourth child took a big chunk out of any time that I called "free".

But I still 'yes'-ed. I 'yes'-ed and 'yes'-ed and 'yes'-ed my time away until I was in such a funk that I had NO time for me. Soccer time morphed into Stage Mom time for my kids' school productions. And it kept going on. A major depression made me learn the meaning of the word "NO."

For the past two years, I've been a 'NO'-er. I've 'no'-ed soccer ref assigning, soccer mom-ing, class mom-ing, and community play production volunteering. We haven't greeted anyone at church in ages. We haven't BEEN to church in ages. No time. No energy. I have school to focus on, taxiing kids to their activities, and my house to clean. (Ok, well, no time for that either. The house stays messy.) I've become 'NO Woman.' No, no, no.

It hit me the other day that I really have become NO Woman. NObody asks me to help out with fund raisers any more. NObody asks me to contribute for team dinners, NObody calls to see if we will be greeters. NObody calls to get together for painting, for meetings, or for many other reasons any more. I've No-ed my way out of so many things that I'm NO longer connected where I used to be. NObody at the elementary school even recognizes me any more! (Ok, a few people did, but still...) NO is as depressing as YES was.

I miss those connections. I miss my old friends. My PTO friends have moved on to become dance moms or choir members or yacht-club board members. My flight sim friends are still flight simming, but we only connect to send holiday greetings and an occasional 'hello.' I've 'no'-ed myself out of many things that were important... all for the sake of some free time.

I know I can't keep every connection that I've ever made in my life. My free time is now sucked up by school work, and my school friends, spread all over the country, are awesome. I wouldn't give them up for anything! ANYTHING! (You know it, Deb!) But I can't have them over for an evening of hanging out. I can't swing by their house to drop something off and to get a quick hug. I have to wait until we're together again in The Wine Pit in Vermont for those hugs and the hanging out. It's great, but it's just not long enough. There's never enough time!

That's the bottom line: There's never enough time. I can't do it all.

So I am coming around to this life lesson: I can't do it all, so I better choose carefully. Saying NO doesn't have to mean saying NO to everything. Saying YES doesn't have to mean saying YES to everything. I just have to choose carefully.

I'm not going back to PTO meetings or the flight-sim forum. I still have school to contend with until next July. But last night at Back-to-School Night, when the sign-up sheet circulated for class moms to assist with some fun, I connected with another mom and said YES.

And I felt how nice it was to say YES again.

-PLB